It May Seem Like Harmless Flirting, But It’s Truly Dangerous. Here’s How…
So, summarizing from last time, there are five major “trusts” that give you the confidence to approach:
1) The Situation
2) The Other Person
3) The Words
4) Your State, or
5) Your Self.
Start with three ground rules from last time:
1) Mirror and Connect (especially mirror any negative body language);
2) Consciously Choose an Identity (i.e. identity, scenario, language, etc.); and
3) Aim for High Status.
Why It Can Be Easier to Flirt With Waitresses and Bartenders
Today we’re going to finish up our discussion and suggestions for the first ‘Trust,’ Situation.
I followed the discussion of the five trusts with the example of Situation so that I didn’t give you all that theory and no concrete usable strategy to put it to use. Theory is always better-digested and remembered with example, metaphor and actual action.
I’ll go a little more in depth with it now, and give some deeper examples so you can recognize Situation when it gives you comfort to speak to someone in Real Life.
Seeing this around you in reality will also make it easier and easier to simulate, i.e. pull it out of your toolbox when you need it.
To give an example of what it means and how it can be simulated, let’s start with some real life examples that show how Situation makes approach easier.
The easiest example of a situation making an approach easier concerns situations where women expect men to talk to them.
You’ll notice that a restaurant, if they can help it, hires attractive women to serve the food and drink orders – a waitress.
Waiters are also common, although waitresses tend to make places more desirable, unless the dishes are large and heavy and/or the clientele extremely discerning as in steak houses or 5 star dining.
In either case, it is relatively easy to “approach” – i.e. “talk to” – the wait staff, isn’t it?
Even if she happens to be a woman of exceptional beauty (happens to be? Do you really think that’s left to chance?), it’s pretty easy to ask her for things, isn’t it?
The situation makes it completely OK for you to speak to this person and so you do.
In fact, I often grit my teeth and politely pull a guy’s attention back when a client who is reluctant to ask a woman the time begins awkward, even creepy flirting with the waitress in a café we’re sitting in, or with one of our female coaches.
The situation makes him feel comfortable taking actions that, normally, give him great anxiety!
That is unfortunate, since the corollary is that a woman in that common situation – a waitress, bartender, receptionist, stripper, store clerk, air hostess, concierge, cashier, etc. is often particularly used to awkward flirtation by undesirable men, and thus classifies most men who flirt with her as “undesireable.” (Read that again, because it is the big secret behind my admonition to avoid flirting with the help.)
Now I have taken the girl-bringing-round-the-hors-d’oeuvres home, when she proved to be too beautiful to resist, so don’t think I am saying it is either impossible, or even a bad idea.
It takes a particular type of tact and flirting, however – my friend Erik is particularly good at it – and is the absolutely wrong thing to try to cut your teeth on.
“Harmless” Flirting With Waitresses Can Ruin You For Women in Real Life
The one bright spot, of course, is that they have to talk to you, so sometimes talking to these kinds of women can protect fragile egos.
This protection is outweighed, however, by the incorrect lessons it teaches.
“Self-Deprecation always gets the girls going ‘awwwww!’ They Love it!” one seminar attendee suggested.
Um. No. It never gets the girls going “HOME WITH YOU.”
Rodney Dangerfield is good at self-deprecation; really good.
You aren’t him. Don’t try it at home.
Even Woody Allen never puts himself down in a film, where women are concerned. He’s a coward and indecisive and a bundle of neuroses, but he’s virile and sexually irresistible. Watch any of his films that star him if you don’t believe me, like “Manhattan” or “Annie Hall.”
Why is this more common (and quite frankly more effective) than guys flirting with attractive women behind the bar? Why do guys hit on female bartenders less?
A woman as a waitress is automatically of lower status than the clientele, so his testosterone increases and he feels ok hitting on her from his lofty perch.
“Um, yes, you can bring me another expensive glass of wine. I don’t mind spending money. You’re very cute, you know.”
How to Use This “Automatic Comfort” to Your Advantage
Can you take advantage of this automatic comfort when the situation is not so in your favor?
Of course you can. You can always role-play a situation that does lend itself to comfortable approaches.
My favorite is “How is everything?” and “How was everything?” because, although the waiter says it, when I’m dressed as I dress and I say it with a more dominant authority (status, please), I am taken for the owner or at the very least manager (low pay, but a leader, nonetheless) of whatever establishment I’m in.
You can also role-play other aspects of this scenario, pretending to mistake her for (or imagining in your mind that she is) the waiter, cashier, concierge or so on.
Will Smith’s character does this in “Hitch,” asking the for-him-particularly-attractive (i.e. Kryptonite) Eva Mendes to bring him two bottles of beer.
This is an excuse to talk to her, and simultaneously “uncompliments” her (see the mistakes men make when complimenting women in this earlier post).
5 Other Ways to Own The Situation and Draw Her Into Your World
I hope this in-depth look at one particular real life situation (staff) is enough to get you experimenting with this and other real life situations that make opening your mouth – and a conversation – feel normal.
In case it didn’t spark your imagination, here are some other examples of real life situations that make talking to another person or other people normal – either as role play, as pretend, as a game, or a frame (I’ll talk much more about frame control in a much later article).
Performers
If you are comfortable in the spotlight, there are strong personas you can take on temporarily to make approaches fun and easy and give a context and frame to yourself and the groups you are interacting with. Here are some:
Standup Comedian; Sitcom/Movie character; Speech; Roast
A warning: Don’t stay in the spotlight too long. Even if you are exceptional at it (you’ll know if you are) you need to get your desired person to contribute to the conversation. Otherwise, even if it works 2% of the time, you will be exhausted and feel bad about yourself.
Authority
These can be harder to pull off, but they are the highest level of Situational role-play.
Why?
It should be obvious. These are high status roles that not only give you the situational right to talk to this attractive woman, but to order her around and to take what you want from her. (I’m assuming you want her company or her body, not her wallet or her purse.)
Boss; Director/AD; Tour Guide; Professor/Teacher/Instructor; Painter/Photographer (to Model); Fashion Show Director (to models); Image Consultant
Try It Out!
While you wait for my discussion on the next trust – the other person – please try this one out. If nothing so far has come to mind, I’ll give you some quick examples off the top of my head.
Photographer
ESPECIALLY when a group of girls have asked you to take their picture with one of their cameras. “Great! Yes! Yes! Give your love to the camera! Come on – You! I LOVE that wickedness you’re showing – you’re making their sweetness look like Saacharin!” etc.
Director/AD
While talking comfortably to a group, take on the role of director.
“OK, people, time is money. Every minute on this set is costing us money!”
“That was good, but next time I’d like more feeling.” (Either they will play along or they won’t. You should be sensitive to this (remember “Pay Attention” when I discussed women like men?)
If you get the slightest hint she/they will not play along, continue immediately with, “We’ll keep that take – we’re already over budget – but next scene really go for it. Let us see your pathos” (or pain or love or whatever fits.)
Notice the use of ‘set’ in the first example or ‘take’ and ‘budget’ in the second. You must make the joke verbally and visually clear quickly so that they can join in.
Often, a lack of social experience means that you will not show on your face that you are joking. That facility comes with time. Make it extra obvious so they know to laugh rather than look at each other nervously and make a hasty retreat.
Boss
“You’re Fired.” That’s also Donald Trump, so be careful.
Here’s What to Do Next…
When you go out and try the advice I give you above, you might be a little scared.
In fact, the thought of approaching women without the wrong kind of Situation might absolutely terrify you!
That’s why I’m going to give you a cheat sheet…a proven way for you to know whether or not a girl is interested in you.
For starters, wouldn’t it be great to be able to weed out the time-wasters? The girls who will never be interested in you because of their attitude?
Craig’s done some great work on the 13 Signs She’s Definitely Not Into You, and it’s a must-read if you want to absolutely avoid rejection. It’s a way to practically “rejection-proof” your conversations with women.
Just click here now to get access to these 13 signs. There a little controversial and some are even surprising, but once you know them, you’ll have a lot fewer rejections with women you wouldn’t jibe with anyway. That way you can focus on the stunners who are into you, and be all the better for it.
