The Honeymoon Phase of a Relationship Rocks…But What Happens When It’s Over?
So you’re in a relationship: That makes you a lucky guy.
Well, at least you used to feel that way. At first, anyway. I mean, it’s still good — and you love her – but, a little ways into the relationship, things just aren’t as…exciting as they used to be.
Worried? Don’t be. The kind-of-bad news is that this is pretty normal.
The good news? It doesn’t have to stay this way. With good communication and a little bit of effort, you can put some sizzle back into your relationship.
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to be writing a 4-part series about a woman’s biological milestones in a relationship — and how they affect you as her partner.
This week, I’m starting at the very beginning: From the Honeymoon Phase to the “3 Year Itch.”
Fact #1: Don’t Panic, Because Science
Most couples hit a slump at some point between 18 and 36 months into their relationship.
This is because the “Honeymoon Period” — that time of exploration and getting to know each other – has worn off. In fact, according to a 2016 survey in the Journal of Sex Research, after 3 years of couplehood, only 55% of women and 41% of men report being sexually satisfied.
Most couples report a noticeable decline in passion around the two-year mark.
This is a normal, almost evolutionary, response. Because if all you did was lay around and have sex all day, nobody would hunt or gather, and y’all would starve to death.
So eventually, as men, our survival instincts kick in and we start treating our partners more like family members than objects of passion.
This is an evolutionary anti-incest instinct: We’re not supposed to be sexually attracted to family members. The dopamine levels level off, the passion you once felt is considerably less, and you slip into a routine:
You get up in the morning, give your lady a kiss, go to work, come home, go to bed. And repeat.
Maybe you have a date night and sex once a week (plus holidays).
So, if this is how relationships continue on for years, the question shouldn’t be, “Where did the passion go?” as much as it should be, “Why was it there in the first place?”
Turns out some scientists took that question and ran with it. And the answer is surprisingly simple.
Surprise! Why the Element of Surprise Is So Damn Sexy
The basic answer for our extreme sense of passion and pleasure in the early stages of a relationship is procreation.
Nature wants us to make babies, so when we meet someone new and start a relationship, we’re all hot and heavy and can’t get enough of each other.
So if this is the base need that extreme passion addresses, why does it last longer than say, a few weeks?
Surprise!
No, seriously, that’s the answer: Surprise. We humans, it turns out, are turned on by surprises…even little ones.
That’s why we sustain passion for as long as we do. Over the first couple years of a relationship, we’re still learning new things about our partners…
Establishing new routines…
Exploring each other and new environments…
And so on.
That’s Not All…
I think I was lucky in my own marriage. I don’t think we hit a slump for maybe five years. During that first five years, though, we traveled a lot, moved a few times and had a lot of adventures together while we got to know ourselves as a couple.
So, we unknowingly prolonged the honeymoon period of our marriage by keeping it interesting.
And that is how you get out of the slump: Keeping things interesting with little daily surprises.
When I talk about little surprises to improve sexual satisfaction, I don’t mean unexpectedly putting your finger someplace new (although, if there are still new places, you could definitely work up to that).
In fact, the surprises that researchers suggest start outside the bedroom.
While it has, of course, been said that variety and novelty are the things that keep life interesting, this isn’t always the case.
Novelty can just be mixing up the order of things; novelty is not the same as surprise.
It’s the shiny, new things that excite us. Researchers have pinpointed that it’s the surprise factor of doing something new, and not knowing what to expect, that triggers the dopamine that turns us on.
In one study, researchers had a group of couples do three “pleasant” (cooking together, eating in a restaurant, seeing a movie) things a week over a period of time.
Another group of couples did three “exciting” (dancing, seeing a concert, going for a hike) things over the same period.
At the end of the study, the couples that participated in the “exciting” activities reported increased passion and sexual satisfaction.
Surprised? (You shouldn’t be.)
How to Get Your Mojo Back (No Matter How Long It’s Been)
So if surprise is the key to sexual satisfcation in a long-term relationship, how does that translate in the bedroom?
Here’s the truth: When you start working on getting the mojo back in your relationship, don’t just barge into the house and say, “Hey babe, we’re going skydiving after dinner.”
Granted, that would be a surprise, but it turns out that the other piece of the satisfaction puzzle (like sexual satisfaction) is communication.
So talk to your partner. Be up front about the “slump” you may or may not be having — women notice these things, too — and have a conversation about what kinds of new things you’d like to try.
As an added bonus, the conversation itself is exactly the type of little surprise that boosts dopamine levels and increases satisfaction.
Neither of you will know what to expect, and if the outcome is positive (which it should be, or your issues could be a little deeper than just having a slump), you and she will already start feeling closer to each other.
And once you and your gal start exploring the world together again, you’ll start to see a boost in satisfaction.
But you can enhance your mojo in another way too:
The Easiest Way to Rekindle the Spark: Trigger Her Secret “Happy Ending” Fetish
Laying next to me in bed, she whispered, “How about you give me a happy ending massage?”
In the 4 years we’d been together, she’d only suggested role-play ONCE. That was 3 freaking years ago.
“Where exactly did you get that idea?” I asked her…
She blushed…”One of my girlfriends got a ‘happy ending’ massage last week…it reminded me of when I used to get them before I met you…at one point I was going 3 times a week…god, they’re AMAZING. Here, I’ll show you….”
After she “showed me”, she told me everything.
Why so many of her girlfriends get “happy ending” massages…why this kind of touch is so damn “addictive”…why nearly every woman has a secret “happy ending” fantasy…
And now, well…let’s just say she’s “in the mood” a lot more often.
I put everything she showed me in one place for you to check it. Man, you’re gonna love this:
Why Do So Many Women Have a “Happy Ending” Fetish? Here’s the Surprising Truth…
