Wanna Know How to Be Kinky in Bed? Now Is the Time to Try…
What do you think of when you hear the word “kinky”?
Whips and chains…?
Being tied up and blindfolded…?
Maybe even a spanking or 2?
Well, I won’t lie — kinky sex can include all of these things…though it doesn’t have to.
And in fact, if you’ve never tried to kink it up a notch in the bedroom, one new study might just change your mind.
Published in September (in the very unsexy-sounding Psychology of Consciousness: Theory, Research, and Practice) the study linked the practice of BDSM (bondage, dominance/submission, sadomasochism) to a higher state of “flow.”
And more flow (which I’ll explain in a moment) leads to more focus and creativity in your everyday life.
The Surprising Reason Kinky Sex Is Actually Healthy for You
So what the hell is “flow”?
“Flow” is a psychological term coined in 1990 by a professor (with a really long name).
In a 1996 interview with Wired magazine, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (see?!) described flow as:
a finely tuned sense of rhythm…anticipation…a state of intense emotional involvement and timelessness that comes from immersive and challenging activities…”
…The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one….Your whole being is involved.”
And as it turns out, BDSM activities are “immersive and challenging” enough to trigger flow in research subjects.
Another criteria for achieving a state of flow is that the activity has to have certain rules or parameters, which is key to BDSM play.
So with established rules (time limits, roles or a safe word), BDSM becomes a flow-generating activity…especially for those in the dominant, or “top,” roles.
BDSM: Is Bottom Or Top Better for You?
For the study in question, all of the subjects were seasoned BDSM practitioners who all identified as “switches.” (A “switch” is comfortable being dominant or submissive in a sexual situation.)
Half of the subjects were assigned dominant roles and half were assigned submissive roles.
Before acting out their respective scenarios (anything from gentle touching to bondage and fetish dress), the subjects’ mental and biochemical states were tested.
The subjects in the submissive roles reported experiencing a short burst of flow — specifically, they felt time “slow down.”
The subjects in the dominant roles, however, experienced even more flow — not just the slowing down of time. In fact, the benefits of flow lasted beyond the sexual experience, even into the following day or days later.
In support of this study, the findings of Harvard researcher Teresa Amiable found that experiencing a flow state on one day boosts levels of focus and creativity the following day as well.
So if you want to experience the full benefits of flow, it’s best to be in the dominant position. Not only will you feel more focused the next day — you’ll feel more creative.
But if you’ve never experimented with BDSM, it’s not the best idea to just jump into bed with whips and chains.
Here’s what I learned from my journey exploring BDSM:
My “Spanking, And…” Rule to Introduce BDSM Into the Bedroom With Her
Maybe you’ve read this far, but you’re a little puzzled because you’ve never experimented with BDSM.
BDSM begins with communication. Be upfront about what you like, and always ask your partner what turns her on. I know it can seem uncomfortable if you’ve never discussed it at first.
Just take it from me: I was vanilla and enjoyed it for years…but then something happened.
I had been seeing this girl for a little while (after my divorce)…we were having sex one night, and she was on top.
She was close to climax…then she said, “Spank me.”
I, of course, said, “What???”
She said, “Spank me! Right now!” So I did. And she said, “Harder!” (And said it again several more times).
On the verge of orgasm, she begged me to pinch her nipple beyond a point where I was comfortable, but I did it, and she exploded…and then so did I.
We played that game all night long…and it was awesome.
Since then, I’ve experimented some, and while the whips and chains generally aren’t for me, I do enjoy pretty rough sex (with the right partner).
That’s Not All…
So, flowing from that one experience, I now have the “Spanking, and…” conversation with most of the women I regularly sleep with.
To be frank, I am always happier and more relaxed after a night of rough sex than a night of “vanilla” sex. The rougher sex sessions last longer, yet go by more quickly.
And the next day is almost always awesome. It’s flow.
Getting kinky doesn’t always have to be about pain, either…it’s a lot about connection and trying new things.
So if you want to start out slow, here’s something else I use to make things more exciting in the bedroom:
A Kinky Woman’s Sexual Kryptonite: The “Deep Spot” Orgasm
“Oh my God…I’m coming!!!” She moaned in ecstasy, riding me aaaall the way to the finish line.
Laying next to me in bed, she said, “I’ve never had an orgasm that powerful without using any extra ‘toys’…what the hell were you doing?”
“Charlotte” was a sex columnist…she had told me all about how “experimental” she was in bed…though I wanted to see if I could impress her using only my manhood (no whips or chains).
I smiled…”Oh, you’ve never had a ‘Deep Spot’ Orgasm before?”
“Deep Spot? Don’t you mean G Spot?” She scrunched up her face in confusion…
“Nope. The Deep Spot is nothing like your G Spot…it’s this mega-sensitive area to the left of your cervix…I learned about it for the first time in this short video…from some tantric master…Law-”
She stopped me right there. “Lawrence Lanoff? I’ve heard of him. But I’ve never heard of this ‘Deep Spot’ thing…where’s the video?”
Well, I showed it to her…and she got so turned on watching it she barely finished it before begging me for “round 2.”
Check it out — you’re gonna love it: 😉
