How To Be More Outgoing, No Matter How Shy You Feel Now…
I said to a recent client, 30 seconds after we met:
“You’re obviously introverted. That’s fine, but introversion has no place in a social setting.”
His impressed smile let me know that I had hit a nail on the head.
However, after continuing our conversation, I could see that we were encroaching on a sensitive area — something he thought was a problem for introverted guys.
He said, “Well, the reason introversion has no place in a social setting is because I’m hiding in my thoughts… right?”
That’s when it hit me — he didn’t understand the difference between “shyness” and “introversion.”
So, if you feel like you fall under the umbrella of “shy” or “introverted,” then the key to feeling more confident around women is understanding the difference between the two… and knowing how to change your behavior appropriately.
And today, I’m going to show you how. First, let’s look at the definitions of “shyness” and “introversion.”
Introverted Vs. Shy: What’s the Difference (Is There One)?
Here’s a rough definition of an Introvert:
Introvert: A person predominately concerned with their own thoughts and feelings rather than with external things.
“Introversion,” then is simply of, denoting, or typical of an introvert.
Now let’s look at a rough definition of Shy:
Shy: Being reserved, or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people.
Do you see the difference?
While shyness is about a lack of comfort in the presence of other people, introversion is simply about a lack of concern.
Introversion, then, is not a weakness in the female eye. Instead, it’s what I’d call a behavior preference.
CONTROVERSIAL VIDEO: This 3-Step “Touch Formula” Gets Hot Girls in Bed With You…
It Doesn’t End There…
Introversion refers to an inward attentiveness — Syd Field, in his seminal work Screenplay, describes novels in a way that I hope demonstrates the strengths in introversion of which introverts are often unaware:
If you look at a novel and try to define its fundamental nature, you’ll see that the dramatic action, the storyline, usually takes place inside the head of the main character. We see the storyline unfold through the eyes of the character, through his/her points of view. We are privy to the character’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, words, actions, memories, dreams, hopes, ambitions, opinions, and more.”
So you see, staying inside your own mind is not necessarily a weakness. And in many cases, it’s a strength.
The same cannot be said of shyness.
The Real Reason Women Are Turned Off By Shy Guys…
While shyness has a lot in common with introversion, the two are inherently different.
You may have noticed that a lot of definitions for “introvert” include the word “shy” — this is no mistake, and it’s because the two traits are often found in close proximity. They are not, however, the same thing.
Shyness is not desirable to a woman, while introversion may, in fact, be attractive.
This is the real reason women are turned off by shy guys — unlike introversion, there is no strength in shyness.
Shyness, by definition, refers to a discomfort where comfort is desired, or an inability to do what one desires to do. What woman is going to find that super attractive?
So can you fix shyness?
Of course! Like all weaknesses of fear, courage is developed by repeated courageous acts.
With that in mind, now I’m going to show you exactly how to “correct” your shyness so you can feel more confident around women.
How To Be Extroverted & Outgoing When Your Nerves Are Getting in The Way
Social situations do require extroversion, yes… but perhaps you — like me — don’t want to change your personality. You don’t want to be extroverted.
But can you still have good interactions — especially first impressions — with women?
In fact, much better than swapping an introverted tendency for an extroverted tendency is simply to find that “switch” in yourself that flips between extroverted and introverted. Trust me, we all have it inside us.
What you want is not to change the way you are when you’re alone, but to find the ability to be extroverted in a social situation.
Here are 3 ways to do just that.
1) Find Your “Extrovert” Switch
Adapted from an exercise by Anne Linden, take some time — at your desk or in your home, but preferably when you are out on a walk — to go on a sort of mental treasure hunt.
How many circles can you find on your walk, for example? Choose something and look for examples of it.
- Green things…
- Pizza shops…
You get the idea.
It doesn’t matter what you choose or how many you find — what matters is that you look.
Because you won’t find these pizza shops or pebbles in your head. You have to look outside yourself. And that trains your brain to think in a more extroverted way.
2) Go On an Actual Treasure Hunt
Now that you know how to find your “Extrovert” switch, it’s time to start using it.
However, this way of using it is completely risk-free.
What is it?
Make an actual treasure hunt!
Find and bring home the best pebble you can find or the best feather — whatever.
This method, you’ll realize, forces you to bring your focus outside yourself, but it also forces you to make comparisons and choices.
You are making decisions outside of your own head.
Even though the reasons for these decisions may be internal, they must be made outside where these things are. This gets you used to getting out of your own head.
3) Use The 3-Step Sentence Generator
Now that you know how to flip your “Extrovert” switch and use it on your own, it’s time to use it in a social situation. Yup, you guessed it — we’re back to my 3-step Sentence Generator.
When you’re with a woman, follow these steps:
- Open with a positive emotion: “I love…” Or, “I really like…”
- Mention something you can hear, smell, touch, or taste — make an observation. “…The noises in the kitchen,” or “…the way the birds sound.”
- Finish with a reason for why you said it: “…it’s so constant in every restaurant,” or “…spring is my favorite season.”
This works because it forces you to get out of your own head — to find something in the current environment. Simultaneously, you are being positive and talking about things you enjoy.
And once you get the conversation going, and you want to take things a step further and get sexual with her… how should you do that?
Here’s what works for my shy & introverted clients:
It Was the Final Friday of the Work Conference & Paul HAD to Get Some Action…
He was fresh out of a nasty divorce… and it had been two years (!!!) since he last got any.
So I invited him to this conference in Sacramento to help him clear his mind (& more importantly, get lucky).
When I introduced him to my secretary, Lisa, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree… bingo. But he could barely squeak out a “Hello”… I knew I had to help somehow. So I showed him a little shortcut:
I call it the “Connection Caress”… and it works like this:
It’s a subtle & casual touch that seems “friendly” enough… and only lasts for a second or two…
… though in a woman’s mind, it feels much stronger… and even sexual.
So later that night, in the convention center, I noticed Paul standing next to Lisa in a group… I nodded at him from across the room: Now’s your chance…
“Hey Lisa, I think you have something on your sleeve,” he said… and then he used the “Connection Caress” on her arm.
She laughed, blushed a little and said “Silly me, you’re right… hey, you’re Paul, right? David’s friend?”
And just as I suspected would happen… her eyes were glued to him for the next 20 minutes.
And after those 20 minutes had passed? Well, she leaned over and whispered something in his ear…
I’ve never seen a guy look so excited in his life. He flashed me a grin, then took Lisa by the hand and led her out of there… hell yeah!
If you’re anything like Paul, or you’ve ever felt like your mind goes blank around women (haven’t we all?)… then this “Connection Caress” should be a total game-changer for you: