I’ve noticed that the phrase “happy wife, happy life” is enjoying a renaissance lately. I don’t know what’s driving that other than there are a bunch of men out there willing to do damned near anything to keep the woman in their life happy.
This may extend to a lot of traditionally female roles: taking on more responsibilities as a parent, showing a more nurturing side, and yes, taking on more chores around the house.
But this seemingly harmless little statement might be hiding a dark truth that could be secretly sabotaging millions of relationships…
When “Bending Over Backwards” Leads You to a Miserable Marriage…
A recent study conducted by the Oslo and Akershus University College of Applied Science indicates that the more chores a man takes on in a marriage, the more likely that the marriage will end in divorce:
“The results showed 65 percent of couples equally or near-equally divided childcare, but not housework: Women reported doing all or almost all of the work in 11 percent of couples and “somewhat more of the work” in 60 percent of couples. About 25 percent of couples divided the work more equally, with younger couples, childless couples, and couples where the woman had a full-time job among those more likely to split domestic chores.”
…
[Researchers] did report untraditional couples had a greater risk for divorce. Men who did as much or more of the housework were more likely to get divorced than couples where the woman did most of the housework over a period of four years.
“The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate,” said Thomas Hansen, co-author of the study entitled “Gender Equality At Home.”
So…No Chores Ever Again Then?
Researchers are somewhat baffled by the results. And at first glance, yeah, there’s a very easy road to take here: the “yeah, women should get back in the kitchen!” road that lesser male-oriented sites will almost certainly take.
But that’s not what Gotham Club is about. Let’s let the researchers take first crack at this one:
“Researchers said sharing equal responsibility for domestic chores doesn’t necessarily contribute to contentment, and that the lack of equality at home and quality of life was surprising. “One would think that break-ups would occur more often in families with less equality at home, but our statistics show the opposite,” Hansen said.
He said that the correlation could be because couples are happier when they have clearly-defined roles in the relationship where people aren’t stepping on each other’s toes. “There could be less quarrels, since you can easily get into squabbles if both have the same roles and one has the feeling that the other is not pulling his or her own weight,” he added.
I think that’s a little bit too deep of a dive here. While those factors may have some bearing on the relationship on more of a micro-level, I think an earlier passage in the article hits the nail on the head:
“Modern couples are just that, both in the way they divide up the chores and in their perception of marriage” as being less sacred, Hansen said, stressing it was all about values. “In these modern couples, women also have a high level of education and a well-paid job, which makes them less dependent on their spouse financially. They can manage much easier if they divorce.”
I think this is probably the most likely answer. A woman without an income is really a woman without options. Even if she could, theoretically, divorce her husband and get alimony or child support, she probably feels a whole lot less independent than a woman with more education and a high-paying job, and is probably more inclined to stay in a miserable marriage.
As evidence, let’s go back to a quote from way up top:
“About 25 percent of couples divided the work more equally, with younger couples, childless couples, and couples where the woman had a full-time job among those more likely to split domestic chores.”
In each of these three examples, a woman has an easier escape hatch than a more traditional, stay-at-home spouse:
1) Younger couples may have rushed into marriage before really getting to know the other person. This could lead to a miserable marriage and divorce independent of whether the guy is taking care of all of the chores or sitting on the couch with a six pack all night.
2) Childless couples (obviously) don’t have the added responsibility of a child keeping them together even if they’re unhappy. Consequently, it’s somewhat easier for them to divorce no matter what.
3) Couples where the woman had a full-time job give the woman in the relationship greater financial independence, and probably a greater sense of overall independence in that she knows she has an income to survive without a husband. Thus it makes it easier for them to divorce.
I think it’s could be as simple as “there are a lot of miserable marriages out there, but if the woman has a degree of independence or there aren’t as many things tying either partner down, they’re more likely to divorce.”
Why Marriage Has Never Been Tougher Than Right Now
Like I said above, resist the lazy analysis that some will draw from the data.
Instead, I would argue that the study makes learning how to attract high-quality women more important than ever.
Women have a lot more options with what to do with their lives now than ever before in human history. If anything, those options are only going to keep increasing over time.
I think most men would agree that’s a good thing. But it also means that men have to be more on top of things to find a suitable high-quality woman and keep her around.
After all, she not only has a ton of career options, but a seemingly never-ending supply of men waiting to woo her.
And this doesn’t end at “I do,” either: those other options, both career and otherwise, continue long after her wedding day into the foreseeable future.
So what does it come down to? One word: compatibility. You need to ensure that you’re as compatible as possible with your partner before tying the knot.
That can mean going through a lot of potential women before you find “the one.” Pickiness need not be an entirely female phenomenon.
And even then it can be tough because people change over time. Your goals now may not even be your goals 5 years from now, let alone align with your wife’s down the road.
That’s probably where “happy wife, happy life” comes from in the first place–the desire to cater to a spouse’s changing needs over time through pure supplication to her needs.
That’s a recipe for a disaster in any relationship. Marriages involve give and take on both sides. If one side is just giving all the time, and not getting anything in return, there are going to be real problems with respect down the road, and the foundation is going to erode over time into a truly miserable marriage.
In any case, married guys, you’ve been warned…
