Mistaken Identity Can Actually Help You Start Conversations in All Social Situations…
Summarizing again, there are five major “trusts” that give you the confidence to approach:
1) The Situation
2) The Other Person
3) The Words
4) Your State, or
5) Your Self.
And let’s start with our three ground rules:
1) Mirror and Connect (especially mirror any negative body language);
2) Consciously Choose an Identity (i.e. identity, scenario, language, etc.); and
3) Aim for High Status.
Now we’re going to talk about the other person, and how that makes it easy to approach.
How a “Case of Mistaken Identity” Can Be Your Best Friend
In addition to the way the situation makes you feel as though you have a valid reason to approach a person that might otherwise intimidate you, the other person – the woman, for example, that you want to talk to – can make it easy to approach her.
Have you ever thought you saw someone you know? You don’t know anyone at this party and wait – isn’t that your buddy’s ex-girlfriend? Especially if you don’t know the other person that well.
“Hi. Paula, right?”
You may not be interested in her, and she may not even be attractive, but when you don’t know anyone in a place, a familiar face can be an oasis of refreshment in a desert of obscurity.
Sometimes, though – and you may or may not have had this experience – you can see someone who might be downright intimidating if you didn’t already know her.
Perhaps she still is intimidating, but you don’t know anyone else and so it can’t hurt to say, “Hi.”
Certainly you’ve seen guys at a party – definitely not you – go up to the girl who knows their friend or their girlfriend’s bestie and introduce themselves. Often it’s not a smooth introduction, either!
“Dan. You know, Jenny’s boyfriend. Yeah, we met at her friend’s party. Um.. not you… um…another friend.. Stacy somebody? No, we’re not dating anymore…”
Since I’ve watched guys clumsily re-introducing themselves to women I’m with, I know that this kind of case of “mistaken identity” makes men feel like it’s ok to roll up.
Why?
Well, that social circle thing makes it almost expected. Or perhaps she was friendly when they met her. I tend to be with women who are happy and smiling (especially when I’m making them smile happily, right?) so if you met a woman with me, you probably remember her being easy going and a lot of fun – even if that’s not at all what she’s like!
“She Just Seems So Easy to Talk To!”
Then there’s the girl who’s simply easy to talk to. That’s not a fact, mind you, it’s an impression. In fact when I coach women, one of the biggest things to change their success in the dating game is to put a smile on their dial.
A girl who’s smiling and bubbly seems friendly. A friendly girl seems like if you go over and say something lame, she’ll still make it ok, kind of like how a mattress is more forgiving if you fall on it than a concrete floor. I slipped in a parking garage and whacked my head a couple weeks ago, so I’m currently a bit too familiar with how unforgiving concrete is.
Sometimes a girl is laughing at something you – or someone else – just said, or something that happened and she seems friendly even though she’s a major ball breaker.
Your instincts don’t mislead you though, because that same girl – even though she’s normally pugilistic – can be friendly, and even downright warm if you speak to her when she’s actually laughing. Some girls – and in fact some people – invite approaches.
The Cure For “Resting Bitch Face”
Let’s talk about the opposite for a moment. I mean the girl who just seems angry. Why do women do that?
Here’s how the model pout started.
Back in the day – a Wednesday, Dane Cook tells me – fabric was sold by inviting potential buyers to the factory and having women model representative dresses right there in front of them.
Not being nineties men (also being a hundred years early to the nineties party), fabric buyers would often gawk, grab and pinch while deciding what they wanted.
To minimize the amount of insult and injury, the women learned to look extremely unapproachable as they would walk the “runway.”
This look – which is certainly still necessary in close up showing of clothing or fabric – permeates the modeling world and has leaked out into the wanna-be model world.
“Leaked out?” I mean that many younger women feel that looking annoyed – and let’s face it, sometimes constipated – makes them look like a model.
It’s also true that sometimes, today, women need that gassy face in order to walk three blocks without being accosted by well intentioned guys telling them how “special” they are, or “you’re beautiful” or “hey gorgeous.”
In addition, I gave you some insight on the number one difficulty for men and women in finding that ideal partner: Women Like Men; Visa Versa. The Feminine is Drawn to the Masculine.
Men want to do what works on them: be friendly and complimentary, and women want to do what works on them: be aloof and ambivalent.
As promised, let’s look at how you can use this little secret to meet more people, which for you probably means attractive women.
I hope the most obvious sneaky tip already jumped out at you:
“Hello old friend!”
I don’t mean for you to say that, no. I’m hoping you imagined or remembered the mistaken identity opener. (I’ve mentioned it before.)
“Karen?”
Just look at her and see some good friend of yours. It actually helps, believe it or not, if you use the name of a friend – a woman who is that easy-to-talk-to, friendly sort. This combines both “I know you” and your good mood into a one-two punch of easy-to-talk-to.
In fact “Hello Old Friend!” is a chapter in a book by Leil Lowndes, who has a knack at summarizing social tidbits. She talks about the body language that you have – open, smiling, interested – when you meet up with a good friend, and how it can speed you toward a comfortable rapport.
I wouldn’t recommend using mistaken identity more than once in a place, however, as you can’t keep mistaking everyone for that girl you “should’ve could’ve” dated in college.
How Your Friends Can Get You More Dates
An even better take away is the Social Circle play. Recognize that Social Circle is the most common way people meet. Remember that you certainly have been in a situation where just being with some hottie at a party made you feel ok saying something, because she is your buddy’s girl or the host’s sister. “How do you know, blah blah?”
But what do you do if you don’t have a bunch of friends from your social circle with you wherever you’re at?
Fake it.
How do you fake social circle?
You can start to look at your own life to find some ways, but here are a few conversation starters to get you on your way.
These are conversation starters, not conversations. Once you’re past the “mistake,” pull out of the conversation, collecting a Yes, No or Maybe from her. If she wants to talk to you, SHE will reengage, or she will make it easy.
“Are you here for the UBS party?”
“Are you here for Karen’s party?”
“You’re with John’s group?”
When she says no, just smile and gently pull away. Often, she’ll reengage, because you actually, with friendly body language, made her feel like it would be easy to approach you.
So here’s what to do next:
Go out and try my simple tips next time you want to start a conversation with a woman.
If you need more help, Craig’s article on the best way he’s found to start a conversation is about as good as it gets.
Just click here now to get it. Combined with my easy-to-follow system above, you shouldn’t have any trouble coming up with things to say to a woman!
