Compliment Women In a Way That Sets You Apart From Other Guys
I’ve had literally hundreds of clients who have made the same mistakes, over and over again.
The problem is, a lot of them are completely counter-intuitive. Guys are told a lot of different things from a lot of different people, and unfortunately only the absolute worst advice somehow becomes “conventional wisdom.”
What’s worse, with only a few small tweaks, these guys could have a lot more success with women.
So this week’s article is the first in a series of ten of the most common mistakes guys make with women, and the easy solutions guys can make “on the fly” to immediately improve their odds with women. And it addresses the most widespread issue I see with my students:
Women Don’t Like Compliments
A lot of guys think that women really like compliments. They’ll go around latching on to the same old tired clichés about their appearance:
“You have great legs.”
“Your eyes are amazing.”
In reality, nothing could be further from the truth!
Unfortunately, it’s a mistake that comes early on in the interaction. What’s worse is that it’s so ingrained in our culture that “women like compliments” that just writing the above will almost certainly cause men to do double-takes, and women to strongly disagree with me.
I’ll explain why they disagree more in next week’s article, but trust me, they almost always do.
As a matter of fact, even SNAGs (“sensitive new age guys”) disagree with this one. They think women LOVE compliments.
Why They’re All WRONG!
Women don’t like compliments, though, and this problem shows up RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING.
“Hey you’re really pretty.”
“Are you a dancer? I could tell, because of the way you’re built.”
I remember saying to a woman, “Do you have children? Your arms look strong.”
She looked offended, and her friend seemed to agree with her about how rude I was being.
Just staring at a woman in an “attracted” way (rather than in a curious, lustful, or saluting manner, for example) can feel like unwelcome flattery to her. She’ll think: “Why are you looking at me?”
And even Dale Carnegie says, in his perennial best seller, How to Win Friends and Influence People, “Be Hearty in Your Approbation and Lavish in Your Praise.”
Of course, compliments can indeed work for winning friends, and even influencing people. But they generally don’t when it comes to seducing women or arousing their interest.
(In fact, compliments work better with getting what you want from men, but we’ll touch on that next time.)
Perhaps you ARE one of the guys who doesn’t believe this. Or you may even be a woman reading this who’s thinking, “What?! I really WANT compliments!”
Why Women are Right…And Wrong…
I’ll start by pointing out that women do want compliments; they want compliments. They don’t really like compliments though.
Let’s see if I can give you an image or two that helps you grasp this concept.
“You have nice lips.”
Can you imagine a woman not liking that? You probably have no problem imagining saying that to a woman and generating a negative response, not the pleasant response you were aiming at.
In case that isn’t visceral enough, how about this one:
“You have nice hips.”
It’s not hard to imagine a woman’s sneer in response to any comment about her hips.
You might be thinking, “Yeah, but those are bad examples – a woman can be insulted by either of those statements, even though it is a compliment.”
Can you think of a compliment that a man might be insulted by?
How Compliments Can Turn Women Off For Good
There are a few reasons that a compliment doesn’t seduce a woman, even if women do want compliments.
First, most of the men women meet are disappointing.
That means that you don’t want to be like “most of the men” who approach her. In her mind, anything you do that reminds her of “most of the men” that have approached her turns on her automatic disappointment-ritual.
A compliment connects her to the interest or attraction that most poor suitors have already shown her, and triggers the “I-don’t-like-you” ritual.
The “disappointment” or “I-don’t-like you” rituals go something like this: Think about the unconscious way you move your fingers through tying your shoelace. Taken individually, these motions are fairly complex and intricate. Kids famously struggle for long periods of time just trying to “put it all together” and learn to tie their shoes.
But over time, it becomes easier. That’s because anything that you do over and over becomes internalized and automated and you no longer have to consciously “do it.” It just happens.
When women are faced with a never-ending parade of “most of the men” doling out compliments like candy, they develop a similar ritual: they automatically say “no” without putting much thought into it.
Put more succinctly, “Another guy with a compliment?” Next!”
A compliment also puts a woman in an “OK. You like me, how do I feel about you?” position.
Since she doesn’t know you, the automatic answer is “I don’t like you like that (yet).”
This is one of the many reasons that most men disappoint women. The woman’s confused mind says “no” automatically because you’ve shown her some cards, and she’s unsure how she feels. The sooner a woman has to decide, the more likely the decision is a quick and emphatic “NO.”
Finally (and this time I’m really on her side), when you like a woman at the beginning, the question she asks – a question the feminine personality asks that the masculine personality does not – is “why do you like me?”
Insecurity is one of the weaknesses of the feminine personality (don’t worry, guys, the masculine personality has even more weaknesses!) and she naturally and automatically questions any attraction and affection shown to her.
If you don’t know her (and if she doesn’t know you, then you probably don’t know her), any response to “why do you like me?” by definition has to be something shallow; something not based on who she is, but rather how she looks, how she dresses, her physical body, the available sexual organs on her and so on.
You should not “like her” so soon. I know that it may not be true that you do. An objective man can easily say, “you’re really pretty” to a woman he doesn’t like and even realizes he doesn’t like.
Nonetheless, for a woman, “you’re pretty” means “you like me, but you cannot know enough about me to like me.”
The Secret to Circumventing the Feminine Mindset
To start with, there are some exceptions, and really the exceptions are about how you compliment her, or more to the point, what it means to her.
If you look back over why compliments bother her, you’ll realize that she interprets them to mean something she doesn’t want to hear. There are ways of saying essentially the same thing while changing the way you say it so that it is not so undesirable.
I’m a big fan of staying present and in the moment, so I always encourage you to use whatever comes to mind rather than saying “no” to your own thoughts.
Otherwise your thoughts turn inward and disconnect from the present moment. The more you turn inward, the less you speak, and eventually you shut down.
But if compliments don’t work, what can you do?
Convert the complimentary thought into a less overt statement.
Let’s translate “you’re very pretty.” for example. There are a lot of different ways you can say “you’re very pretty,” without actually saying it.
Each way conveys a different set of underlying emotions to the woman in question, and gets her thinking something other than “this guy likes me, therefore NEXT!”
What all of these have in common is that they have some kind of a “qualifier” in them. A qualifier is a way to say what you’re trying to say, but with some sort of caveat. This allows you to not really “self-edit,” and to get what’s inside your head out intact, while also preventing the woman from lumping you in with “all of the other guys.”
(Note that these are in order of effectiveness, from most effective to least effective in my experience)
“You’re not ugly.”
I once used this on a beauty queen with great success. The qualifier here is “ugly.” You’re saying that she’s not ugly, but the way a woman’s brain is structured, she’ll hear “ugly.” Her brain will be mixed up, “He said ‘ugly,’ but also ‘not ugly’–what do I do?” This builds intrigue and interest.
What you should do is just sit back, smile a little, and say nothing. Whatever you do, don’t defend yourself if she says, “What do you mean?” or “That’s not very nice!” She expects you to defend yourself. If you don’t, you simply stand out from the crowd even further.
“You think you’re very pretty.”
Here, you’re playing a little with her vanity. She’ll almost certainly say, “No I don’t!” Again, simply respond by just smiling a little bit. If you convey the compliment while she’s confused, you’re separating yourself from “all those other guys.”
“Guys probably think you’re very pretty.”
This is the same principle at work as above. What’s she supposed to say here? In some ways, it’s a trap. No matter what she says, you have the upper hand.
“You are prettier than I expected.”
If you think about this logically, it can be a massive compliment. Like, “I expected you to be pretty, but wow, you’re amazing!”
But you won’t say it that way anymore, will you? Instead, let her brain interpret it the way that women do–with the qualification in mind first. She thinks, “He didn’t expect me to be pretty?” or even “He expected me to be ugly?” This separates you from the throng of adoring suitors that just usually tell her “You’re hot.”
“You’re actually very pretty.”
Even a simple qualifier, like actually, adds ambiguity and little sprinkles of mystery, to a compliment.
“I’m not saying you’re pretty, but…”
“I’m trying not to say you’re pretty”
These two are probably the least effective on the list because the qualifiers are so weak. Compare “you’re not ugly” to the two above. There are a lot fewer places to go in the conversation than if you say “you’re not ugly.”
And that’s what ultimately matters: that the qualification gives her something to talk about other than the compliment. Even if she’s thinking, “Did he actually just say that?”, it’s better than “That’s a compliment, he’s just like every other guy, NEXT!”
Going Down the Rabbit Hole…
You can also go deeper, and you’ll always be rewarded for doing so. Going deeper shows that you are actually paying attention.
If you are gushing with compliments for her, try to only share the ones that are not physical or visual, but rather subjective.
“You seem nice.”
“You’re very friendly.”
“You have an amazing imagination.”
“I love the way people respond to you.”
“What an effect you have on people.”
“You handled that so diplomatically!”
“I wish I had your patience.”
Okay, I borrowed that last one from Craig. But the important thing to remember is that the feeling that drives you to compliment women is good for you – it’s motivating. Keep it. Keep it – and keep it to yourself.
I hope you got a lot out of this. Share it with guys that need it, guys who don’t, and even women who’ll totally deny it.
Next time I’ll talk about where this mistake and most of the other big mistakes guys make come from: women like men.
