Why Women Hate (and Love) Your Vulnerability as a Man
This will probably be one of the most honest, raw and compelling posts I’ve ever written. But f— it (how’s that for vulnerability)?
Bear with me as I’m sure that by the time you get to the end of this essay you’ll understand my journey into dealing with vulnerability, what women think about vulnerability in the men they decide to be with, and why women’s current attitudes toward vulnerability are actually hurting men and preventing us from truly living from a place of self-worth and self-love!
You may be asking yourself, “What does vulnerability have to do with picking up chicks?”
“How does vulnerability stop us dead in our tracks from living the life we deserve to live?”
“How does this relate to women and relationships?”
These are all great questions, and all will be answered in this article. But keep in mind that even I didn’t know the answers to these questions until just a little while back…
…but when I did, it was like someone flipped an f—in’ light switch on for me!
A while back I was on a call with a former student of mine who is now a great friend.
His name is Jannik and this guy truly inspires me. He’s worked incredibly hard on his ability to get women, his relationships with others, and (most importantly) himself.
The Video That Changed My Definition of Masculinity
Jannik recommended a TED Talk video on vulnerability and of course I was eager to watch it.
The lady’s name was Brene Brown and her talk really hit home with me.
So, I decided to buy one of her books titled Daring Greatly – How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.
I gobbled this book up in about 2 days. I found it incredibly insightful and thought provoking.
Brene Brown is a world renowned researcher on human behavior. She has spent the last 12 years of her life getting to root causes of shame and vulnerability and how it either propels us or deters us from living out our dreams and having successful relationships.
She’s interviewed 1000′s of men and women on the topic. Her research is backed up by hard scientific and psychological evidence. I consider her to be one of the top authorities in the field of vulnerability, relationships, and psychology.
Surprisingly enough Brene Brown actually confirmed something that I have been saying for years. After interviewing 1000′s of men and women, she came to the conclusion that men are deeply scared to show any vulnerability to women despite the fact that women say they want a man who’s vulnerable and can show that side to them.
The next obvious question is “why?”
The answer is so obvious, but deeply painful. I’m sure anyone reading this, man or woman, will be able to relate if you’re honest with yourself.
And I quote Brene:
“Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research: We (women) ask them(men) to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the sad truth is that we can’t stomach it.
In these moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking! C’mon! Pull it together! Man up!”
Ouch!
If that’s not enough, she also goes on to say:
“Women detest seeing vulnerability in men but at the same time we need to see that they’re vulnerable.”
Now isn’t that confusing?
To men who don’t truly understand a woman’s true nature and the principles from which her mind is operating, it sure is!
But I’m going to clear this concept up for you and, than expose my own vulnerabilities and experiences.
At Last, the Secret to Women’s Minds Revealed!
It’s actually a one-word answer but the implications go very deep into why women date who they date and how we instinctively on some level know this:
Hypergamy
For those of you who are hearing this word for the first time, I’ll give you the definition.
In laymen’s terms, “hypergamy” just means “dating up.”
According to Brene, women operate from a place of opportunism and benefits. Their love is conditional, whereas a mans love is not. It’s their nature to constantly be on the look ut for a better provider than the man they are with.
Women want the Alpha man whose ability to keep her safe and sperm will be of superior quality to that of the Beta.
At the same time, she wants the Beta to provide for her, his loyalty, and the security he will provide that most Alphas can’t or won’t.
To be fair, the scale on which hypergamy effects women will always vary depending on the amount of self-entitlement she has, and this will always be proportionate to her looks and her self worth.
The better looking she is, the more she feels she “deserves” from a guy, and the more pressure she will put on her chosen man to meet those expectations.
The less self worth she has, the less she feels she “deserves” from a guy, and the less pressure she’ll put on him to meet those expectations.
Now that we have a simple and quick idea on why women operate the way that they do, we can explore why she detests certain types of vulnerability in men.
If women are worried about finding a provider, safety, and having the best available man to mate with, than subconsciously and consciously she will be on the lookout for vulnerabilities in her chosen man that may affect her assessment of that chosen male.
In other words, she’s looking for a crack in a man’s armor! Many women will test you constantly to try to probe for any weak spot they can possibly find.
Seems like a trap to me.
The Double-Edged Sword of Vulnerability Hanging Over You
And yet I can’t stress this enough, but women need to see a certain level of vulnerability in a man.
Why? Because it will show her that you are actually attainable. It will “prove” that you have a heart, and that you have a loving and caring side of you.
If she doesn’t think that you’re attainable, she will eventually give up, doubt her decision, and leave!
She has to believe that she can get you in order to stick around!
So how do you show her a vulnerable side of you without turning her off?
The answer is easy!
You show her vulnerabilities that will not affect her hypergamous nature!
In other words you share and show her a vulnerable side of you that has nothing to do with any of the following:
Wealth, social status, quitting, improvement, self growth, determination, dreams, goals, love, sex, relationships, self worth, honor, respect…
In short, don’t show her anything questioning your ability to be a real man!
Some great ways to show that vulnerable side of you that will not affect her feelings toward you negatively include things like:
-Family
-Religion/Spirituality
-Animals
-Selfless service
-Past weaknesses that you’ve overcome
-World Injustices
-“Zero-to-Hero” stories
-Empathy, and
-Compassion.
None of things I just listed will hurt her view of you, and they will most certainly show her that in fact you are both a “real man” and attainable.
Hopefully you will actually show her this side of you because it’s what and who you really are!
How Most Men Suffer in Silence
Now that we’ve explored how to and why you should show a certain level of vulnerability to a woman, let’s discuss how not having the ability to truly express your real vulnerabilities with women and in life affect us as men.
For some reason this idea of “what a man should look like” has permeated society so deeply that I would argue that we’re at a point of no return.
This illusory idea of what man is and should be is so absurd to me but it’s not going anywhere. As men we’re taught that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
But the reality is that this perceived weakness is only in our own heads.
Today more than ever men are under more pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations, but those expectations are the expectations of others and not ourselves.
The only expectations you need to live up to and be concerned with are your own.
TV, social media, reality shows, news, etc. all help to perpetrate these ideal characteristics men should embody…
And yet who are the primary consumers of all of these outlets?
Women, that’s who!
When is the last time you heard a man tell men how a man should behave and think? It’s very rare and it’s rare because as men we’re all in the same boat.
All men understand the pressure and most men don’t have the real answers themselves as to what being a man should look like.
Women are putting more pressure on men to be more than we’re capable of than ever before.
I believe this is because we’re now living in a world of lack and scarcity rather than a world of abundance.
Women feel more threatened than in past times. Men are moving away from traditional relationships. Divorce rates and cheating are at an all time high.
Men have seen their friends get divorced and betrayed, and are more fearful of women than times of the past.
The current state of our economy doesn’t make things much better. The cost of living is up, salaries are down, having a baby is unrealistically expensive,
etc.
A woman’s future doesn’t look great from her perspective right now without the help of a man to “fill the void.”
Where there is lack there will be pressure for someone else to fill that void because most people don’t believe in themselves to give themselves what they need and want!
I feel this pressure every single day I’m alive and I hate it. Men are essentially left to fill the void that women are experiencing based on today’s circumstances.
It has in many ways become the force behind what drives us.
The Real Reason Why Women Think That What You Do Is Never Enough…
I was essentially raised by a single mother, alongside a little sister, and the pressure in that household to be a man was enormous.
On a daily basis, my mother said, “Don’t be like your father!”
My little sister also put many of the same types of pressure on me to be “the man.”
I essentially had to be the big brother, father, and husband my entire childhood.
The only problem I now have is that all of this pressure was to become what their idea of a man should be to help fill the sense of lack they had.
I didn’t have anyone to help fill the sense of lack I was experiencing.
They had an idea of what “a man should be,” and over time I came to believe this idea was correct.
And yet it was an impossible standard I could never meet, even though in my mind I was always doing the best I could.
I was constantly fighting a rigged, losing battle, and devaluing myself even further in the process.
To make matters worse, as I grew older, the girlfriends I had reinforced these very same ideas.
By the time I was out of my teens, I literally had no idea of what being a man should be or look like.
The only thing I was certain of was a lack of self worth and love I had for myself because whatever I was trying to do, and whoever I was trying appease was never enough.
There was always something more I needed to work on. I could always do more for any of the women in my life. They were never satisfied! I was constantly being told through subtle hints that I wasn’t being a man.
My ex-wife and girlfriends did many of the same things. I was always being told that I wasn’t “man enough,” or that I was a pathetic excuse for a man.
I was constantly being compared to her father and other men she knew or had dated.
I was compared to her best friends’ boyfriends over and over again.
I was being shamed to man up, which by the way is the worst thing a man can hear if he is trying to do his best.
The second worst thing a man can experience from a woman is being compared to “other” men.
My ego was beaten down over and over again. There were times where I would just cry because I couldn’t figure it out!
And why? Why all of this abuse (and that is exactly what it is)?
It was because of women projecting their own fears, sense of lack, and selfishness upon me to fill the void in their lives.
No wonder why as men are scared to show women our vulnerabilities!
The Vicious Cycle of Criticism and Anger That Dooms Relationships
This is a perfect time for another quote from Brene’s book, “Women who feel shame when they don’t feel heard, validated, or experience lack often resort to pushing and provoking through criticism (‘Why don’t you ever do enough?’ or ‘You never get it right’).
Men, in turn who feel shame when they feel criticized for being inadequate, either shut down (leading women to poke or provoke more) or come back with anger.”
Luckily I’ve learned to do neither. Even though my first instinct is to conform to old patterns and beliefs about myself, allow old pain to resurface, and play the victim card, I’ve learned through years of growth to deal with criticism in a completely different manner.
I now know through constant reflection and self-growth that I am enough.
I know the value I can bring to a woman’s life as well as my own.
I have a clear understanding of what it is to be a man and come from a place of true authenticity and love towards myself which will always manifest itself outwardly into the world and the relationships I have.
The only expectation I try to live up to is the expectation to be the best version of myself each and every day in every moment.
And if a woman or someone else doesn’t recognize all that I am, the gifts I have to offer and all that I have given and will give, than farewell.
Anger and shutting down will get you nowhere. I don’t see a potential for growth in either response, do you?
I always try my best to see the opportunity for growth in any situation, which is a fantastic way to experience a healthy vulnerability.
How My Vulnerability Made Me Invulnerable
With the help of Brene Brown’s insights, I would now argue that vulnerability is actually an act of courage!
Think of the last time you did something even though you felt vulnerable. Did you view it as an act of weakness? To allow yourself to be vulnerable and follow through was and is actually a brave act.
Vulnerability is only viewed as weakness by ourselves and our self-perception is the only perception that really matters, isn’t it?
I can’t speak for most men but when I see another man do something that takes courage, I intuitively know that he’s put himself in a vulnerable position, and putting yourself in that position takes courage!
Every time you approach a woman, ask a woman out on a date, go on a date, send a flirty text, reveal your past to her, and even have sex with a woman, you are being vulnerable. You should be proud of yourself for taking those risks.
Every time you break up with a woman and get back together to work on things, after every fight you guys have, every time you say sorry or I love you, you are being vulnerable.
Every time a man tries to better himself, make more money, explore new endeavors, show the world a side of himself, etc., he is allowing himself to be vulnerable.
When we are vulnerable, we are taking risks, and taking a risk takes courage.
When you speak to friends and family from the heart, when you try and improve yourself, when you express yourself creatively, when you question the the norm you are being vulnerable and courageous!
There is no shame in being vulnerable.
And when you finally accept that only you can define “what being a man is” to you and only you, you are truly a man!
