Dating Expert Simone Paget Answers: “What is benching, and how can you prevent it?”
Thanks to technology, there are about a million different ways for women and men to ignore each other today.
And because of that, it can be hard to tell if a woman you meet online really is “just busy,” or if she’s just not that interested.
You might be familiar with “ghosting” — when you’re chatting with a woman, and everything is fine…but then you never hear from her again. No explanation. No nothing.
But now, there’s another, crueler dating trend women are using to ignore men without consequence:
Benching.
What Exactly Is “Benching,” Anyway?
Meet Simone Paget — sex columnist for the Toronto Sun and the brains behind Skinnydip.ca, a sex and dating blog chock-full of advice for women and men in all walks of life.
It’s safe to say Simone has a lot of experience in the dating world…and she was one of the first people to spot this new trend of “benching.”
Rather than ghosting, where a woman just stops responding, a woman who “benches” you will keep responding to your texts…
Acting like she wants to meet up…
But she has no intentions of ever doing it. And as a result, you end up feeling like you’re just going in circles with your conversation.
She’s keeping you on the “bench” as a last resort — and because women have so many choices today, chances are she’ll never actually reach out to you for a date.
So we sat down with Simone to discuss how you can a) recognize when you’re being benched, and b) prevent it from happening in the first place.
With that in mind, here are 3 dead giveaways a woman is benching you:
1) She Sends Vague Texts
One of the key signs you’re being “benched” is if she never tells you anything specific.
For example, if you ask her a question like “Do you want to meet up for drinks?” she might respond with either:
a) a non-sequitur, such as “I just LOVE talking to you!!!” Or…
b) Using all emojis/non-verbal language, or…
c) An unclear but positive message, like, “I’d love that!”
These responses might make you feel good at first…but they also distract you from your goals: To get this woman on a date with you in person.
So if these are the only responses you’re getting, that’s a huge sign you’re being benched. She’s just keeping you around in case she gets desperate.
Which brings me to the next sign…
2) There Are Long Periods of Silence Between Texts
Let’s say you’re in the middle of a texting conversation with a woman you want to meet up with. She might be responding every 2 minutes during your conversation, but when you actually get around to asking her out…
She takes hours to get back to you.
If she waits hours to respond every time you attempt to make plans, that’s a dead giveaway you’re being benched.
For example, if you say, “Wanna meet up for drinks on Friday?”…
And she doesn’t respond to your text until Friday night or even Saturday…
Then chances are you’re being benched. She has no intention of meeting up with you. She’s just stringing you along.
And there’s one last sign you’re being benched…
3) She Always Cancels Plans
Maybe she doesn’t freeze you out, but if she cancels your plans 5 minutes before you’re supposed to meet up…
She’s probably benching you.
Of all 3 signs you’re being benched, this is the strongest one.
And that’s because a woman who’s benching you wants you to think she likes you…
But she doesn’t want to do any of the work to actually meet up with you.
So if she’s not responding and she always cancels plans, she’s probably benching you.
So what? Do you just give up on her?
Not necessarily — a woman who benches you might still like you…
But the trick is to get her out of “bench-mode.”
Here’s Simone’s 3-step method that works to both stop a woman from benching you and prevent her from ever benching you in the first place:
3 Steps to Getting Off of the Bench and Back in the Game
1) Understand Why She’s Benching You
As Simone explains, being benched is not your fault. In fact, when a woman benches you, it rarely has anything to do with you.
Women who bench men usually do it for one reason: because they’re unsure about you.
If you suspect you’re being benched, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you (if that was the case, she’d just stop talking to you altogether!) — most of the time it’s just that she’s unsure about whether or not you’re a good match and how to proceed.
As Simone explains,
In the past I’ve put guys I like on the bench simply because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with them (date? hookup? potential for something serious?). I literally had too many other things going on in my life to deal with trying to figure out how I feel about them. In other words, there’s nothing pushing me to make an immediate decision.
This is a classic case of “It’s not you, it’s me.” Except this time, it’s actually true! The root of the issue is her, not you.
So does that mean you can’t do anything about it?
No — and here’s what to do:
2) Give Her a Time and a Place
Because women who bench you are afraid of commitment, it’s important to take the reigns from the very beginning.
So instead of saying things like, “I’d love to meet up sometime,” or, “We have to hang out!,”
Try:
“Meet me at X Cafe next Sunday at 3 p.m.?”
Or…
“Wanna grab drinks at X bar next Tuesday at 7?”
The more specific you are, the better. And that’s because sending vague texts gives her an immediate excuse to be just as vague in response.
You might feel like being specific will scare her away, but the truth is that women are impressed by men who take charge.
As Simone recalls:
What really impressed me about [the last guy I dated] was that he’d make plans in advance. He’d say, ‘Hey, next week there’s this thing happening. Would you like to go with me?’”
When every message you send is clear, intentional, and straightforward, you’re not giving her the chance to be vague with you.
And that means she will have few — if any — opportunities to bench you.
3) Be Understanding and Encouraging
Finally, one of the easiest ways to pull her out of “bench-mode” is to approach the situation from her perspective.
If you’ve been talking to this woman for months but have never met up, it’s possible that she’s still uncertain about meeting up with you because she hasn’t nailed down how she feels about you. With that said, it doesn’t mean you’re out of the game yet.
For a woman, time is a precious commodity — and giving up that time can make her feel very vulnerable. So it helps if you try letting her know that you a) understand, and b) feel nervous too.
It sounds counterintuitive, but it works because it shows her that you’re just as vulnerable as she is.
Here’s a great way to show her you understand her via text:
“I have to be honest, I’m a little nervous to meet you…but I’m also excited since we have such great conversations.”
This line shows her that you understand that she’s nervous, that you’re nervous too, and that you’re serious about wanting to meet up with her.
And if you can show her that, then you’ll make her feel much more comfortable and excited to meet you.
Finally, if none of this works, then the best thing you can do is show her that you’re busy too — that your time is just as valuable as hers. As Simone says,
When I see that a man has a bunch of other things on the go as well and isn’t willing to just wait around for me, it makes him that much more appealing.”
From there, the next step is to make a physical connection with her on your first date — and Simone’s got a great trick up her sleeve for that:
How to Use the “Attraction Accelerator” Almost No Guys Know About
I’m usually a “wait 3 dates” kind of girl — I need to feel a real connection before I go home with a guy.
But the reason I wait 3 dates…well, it’s not because I’m “old school” or super “traditional”…
It’s because most guys don’t even try to make a physical connection with me until the third date!
And let me tell you…it is SO damn frustrating. Because inside, I’m ready to take you home, rip off your pants and have my way with you…
But not until you build a physical connection with me using this “Attraction Accelerator” touch.
I’ll be honest…I had no idea how to describe what this touch even was until Simone explained it to me. Because it’s so subtle, your date won’t even realize what you’re doing…
But it’s just like “letting the animal out of the cage” — this touch gives your date “permission” to make the first move (especially if she’s shy).
So you might see her eyes light up…
Or her cheeks begin to blush…
And she might even touch you (I couldn’t keep my hands off of the first guy who used it on me).
Looking back, the only guy I’ve ever gone home with on the first date used this touch — not a single guy I’ve gone out with since knew how to do it (but I REALLY wish they did). 😉
So check it out — you’ll love it:
How to Use the “Attraction Accelerator” Almost NO Guys Know About…
